Two steps forward and one step back

Feels like I'm taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back with this whole speak no negative words to or about John.

I was doing great all morning.

During the morning I'd said how I'd need to go to the grocery store and I was going to take Daniel to get a pole vaulting pole from the school (which is by the grocery store; both of which are about a 10 - 15 minute drive from our home). John even commented on how Daniel already has 2 poles here and I explained it was for a girl to whom we are giving a ride. We even talked about the girl and the ride and what days this will be later. Then John goes to an appointment and takes the truck. Now I have no way to go and will have to wait 1, 2 at the worst 3hrs until he returns. By that time the grocery will be packed with people getting off work. We have 2 other cars here and he could have taken either one of them. I feel so frustrated. It seems that John never listens.

On the bad side I started complaining to the boys. Daniel said that complaining doesn't change anything so I stopped - he's right. He has reason to be frustrated as well since they will now be leaving 2 hrs later than they had planned to go somewhere tonight. Oh well nothing I can do about it.

I don't want to be negative, but should I just say nothing? Perhaps it would be OK to explain that I had to wait until his return to go since he took the truck and leave it at that. But I want him to know that the grocery will then be all crowded and would not have been crowded now. I asked Daniel if we just get the pole on Monday and he said he'd be concerned because it is out at the school where it could be stolen.

OK I know the truth is that I should say nothing and bite the bullet.

The sad thing is he will never notice. But the truth is my pointing it out has never worked in the past - he just says how he's a day dreamer and how he was put back in kindergarten for that very thing. To me that is him saying he is how he is and likes it and doesn't care if it causes me grief because he refuses to work on anything that causes others grief if it works for him. To me it says he cares more about him than me.

But the truth is I am not accountable to God for him and I am accountable to God for me. So this is an opportunity to be kind and over look an offense.

Oh Father, please change my heart and make me a kinder person. Thank You for this opportunity to act kindly. Thank You for loving me enough to help me change into a better person. By Your grace and power help me to just go on when John gets here instead of complaining. Thank You that I can do all things through Your strength.

Another thing regarding day 1

Besides, by God's power guarding what I say to my husband, I am convicted to guard what I say about him. I am ashamed to admit that I have grumbled about him to the boys; things he does around the house kind of things. But that is wrong and must stop. I accept God's forgiveness and will go forth, by His power, a different way.

Journal regarding day 1

First off I messed up once; started being negative before I realized it.

It was when I noticed before noon that John was drinking wine. I'd bought 2 bottles for the Father's day party on Saturday and, aside from Eeva having a small cup, I think John gobbled up both bottles. I feel that he drinks way too much. But I am not his mother, he is an adult, he is a Christian (so the Holy Spirit can guide him), nagging never helps anyone. I started to make comments but stopped after one small one. I wish I'd made none but am grateful for the dare so I didn't fall into going on and on about it.

After that I was on my guard.

It was a good thing too because I noticed John out in his car packing stuff and asked if he was planning a trip to Yosemite any time soon. Turns out he planned to leave Monday AM and be gone for 10 days. Hadn't bothered to tell me about it. I bit my tongue and went and did stuff so he couldn't see how frustrated I am. Sometimes I wonder why he married me. Sometimes it feels like he just wants to get the good stuff from marriage but not give anything or be anything other than footloose and fancy free.

I recognize that everyone just wants the good stuff; once I once heard someone compare marriage to 2 ticks on a dog. I know that's true. Perhaps I'm just a really fat tick too. It just feels like I give so much more in this marriage and like John is such a taker. Actually it seems like in general in life John is a taker with everyone and every where except for his children where it seems that they are takers. Oh well, when judgment day comes I won't stand before God and give account for John, I will give account for me.

My whole purpose in doing the love dare was to work on what I can - me.

In the day 1 reading the authors made a point I've been thinking about. They said:
"Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment or grief. You don't get what you want and you start heating up inside. It is often and emotional reaction that flows out of our own selfishness, foolishness, or evil motives"

I am angry in my relationship with John. I think that this has my own selfishness at the root. God should be my source, not John. That way when John is human I don't have to be so upset because my needs are not getting met.

Oh Heavenly Father, I'm sorry for being such an angry person/wife. Please heal me. Please help me submit to You and not be so selfish. Please help me bring my needs to You and wait on You. Thank You for Your healing work and power. Thank You that You are blessing me and my marriage.

Since John will be gone for the next maybe 10 days or so (he never commits to times and will not pay for and use a cell phone), I most likely will wait on these specific days until he returns. I'll read day 2 and then wait on the rest until he returns (unless I see that it will work via distance).

Day 1 - Patience

Day 1 focuses on Patience. The main theme being what is love unless you are patient and let your spouse be human.

Today's dare is to demonstrate patience by not saying anything negative to your spouse for the entire day!

I resolve to do this and will share later tonight or tomorrow how it goes.