I hate to say this, but I am irritable. My sons have commented on this more than once.
Oh Father, work in my heart and help me change.
The authors talk about the root causes of irritability: stress & selfishness. The also talk about hidden areas of selfishness that will result in irritability: lust-an ungrateful heart that refuses to be content with what she has, bitterness, greed, and pride.
The dare for today is to really take note and make sure to respond to tough circumstances today in loving ways instead of with irritation.
The suggest that, since stress can create irritability, you look at your life and see if you need to add in margin time so you're not pushing yourself too hard. Then ask God to work in you and show you any wrong motivations that you need to get rid of in your life.
A few months ago I would really have needed to put some margins in. But right now I have lots of margin since I'm not working outside the home and my children are older.
God's been showing me lately that I have let bitterness into my heart for things that happened in the past with John that are hurting now. Oh Father, I'm so sorry for my bitter and unforgiving spirit. I choose anew to forgive John for those things he said on our first day of marriage, for his attitude about money, his desire to be away in Yosemite, and for his over indulgence of his adult children. Of Father, empower me to let these things go. Help me focus on being who You want me to be in instead of holding a grudge against John for his short comings. Thank You Father.
I think I may also have issues with pride. Because I don't take it well at all when people in the car (ie sons and John) criticize my driving or tell me I'm doing things wrong around the house. I also get impatient with people who I think are being dumb. Oh Father, I think You that my security is in You not in me. Please help me always remember that and not see myself as more important than I am or react from insecurity. May I be in reality about who I am and what You want from me.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The ugly truth about me
I am a rude person. I am selfish.
As I'm working my way though this book I repeatedly see how selfish I am and specifically how that plays out in various ways. Because of the "day 5" (I'm obviously taking more than a day to work on each of these days) focus is rudeness I am becoming more aware of that.
Oh Father, change my heart. Help me be more aware of others instead of it always being about me. Tenderize me on the inside to where I can see other first. Thank You for Your patience with me.
As I'm working my way though this book I repeatedly see how selfish I am and specifically how that plays out in various ways. Because of the "day 5" (I'm obviously taking more than a day to work on each of these days) focus is rudeness I am becoming more aware of that.
Oh Father, change my heart. Help me be more aware of others instead of it always being about me. Tenderize me on the inside to where I can see other first. Thank You for Your patience with me.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Day 5 - Refraining from rudeness
The authors made a valid point by stating that the main reasons why people are rude to one another are ignorance and selfishness. They go on to list 3 guiding principles for marriage:
Because of how John doesn't always focus, and just the general awkwardness of such a question, I emailed him. He emailed me back how he wants to focus instead on the good he sees in me or me doing for him. But then later that day when he asked me something and I responded with something to the effect of as I've already told you several times ...prior to answering the question, he said that was one of those things. So I will work to not do that any more; just give grace and & a brief answer - no need to add in if I've already told him this several times. When I think about it there is not any value in that. Those comments are not going to change him.
Later he said something about something else but then said he doesn't want to waste any of the 3 on that. Interesting how he got into it. He also said he's afraid of what I'll say to him; I told him this is about me this time.
John's MO is to not want to talk about my stuff because he absolutely doesn't want to deal with his. So he'll let me be on the premise that I'll let him be. But that doesn't make for a good marriage. So I'm glad I opened up the door to work on me, that's who I'm responsible for.
- Treat your mate the way you want to be treated.
- Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to co-workers and strangers.
- Consider what your spouse has asked you to do and not to do - honor requests.
Because of how John doesn't always focus, and just the general awkwardness of such a question, I emailed him. He emailed me back how he wants to focus instead on the good he sees in me or me doing for him. But then later that day when he asked me something and I responded with something to the effect of as I've already told you several times ...prior to answering the question, he said that was one of those things. So I will work to not do that any more; just give grace and & a brief answer - no need to add in if I've already told him this several times. When I think about it there is not any value in that. Those comments are not going to change him.
Later he said something about something else but then said he doesn't want to waste any of the 3 on that. Interesting how he got into it. He also said he's afraid of what I'll say to him; I told him this is about me this time.
John's MO is to not want to talk about my stuff because he absolutely doesn't want to deal with his. So he'll let me be on the premise that I'll let him be. But that doesn't make for a good marriage. So I'm glad I opened up the door to work on me, that's who I'm responsible for.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Got my chance quicker than I thought I would
When I finished here just a few minutes ago, I went over to read my emails. There was one from John that he'd sent just 2 minutes earlier concerning a daily business matter about the truck. So I emailed him right away hoping he will get it right away.
I basically just opened up with the line from that well known song - have I told you lately that I love you. Then went on to write a few, concise and true things I appreciate and enjoy about him.
I told him that I am so grateful that he is not constantly critical of me. I hesitated to tell him exactly why that came to me so strongly because I'm not sure it would be appropriate. For some reason last night, when Daniel was talking about his dad, I found myself asking myself if I wished things had worked out with Dale White; I mean we do have 2 children together. But there was not a moment of hesitation in my mind - the answer was a resounding NO. Life with him was so absolutely horrible - he never stopped criticizing even the smallest of things I did (one time he yelled at me because he came in and I was making the burritos wrong; I was to put on beans first, then cheese and then the other ingredients because that was the right way to do it). I tend toward heaviness of body; I'm definitely not the slender type even at my best and I'm overweight. Dale hated that. Dale cheated on me twice that I know of. I never felt attractive. Maybe he's changed; but then again, he always seemed like such a super nice guy if you weren't married to him and he still does seem super nice. Perhaps it was just that I was a failure as a wife to him and he will be happy with the gal he's engaged to now (it's kind of odd; they are engaged to be married "when the boys are out of school". Daniel was a freshman in high school and Dylan a sophomore last year when their dad became engaged). I can not express how happy I am to not live like that any more. One thing about John is that he really does not have a critical spirit toward me. He's not really a critical person in general and he's definitely not a controlling type; he's more likely to just walk away and disengage if he doesn't like something. Disengagement can be lonely but it's billions of times preferable to constant verbal abuse.
Anway, may the note hit him right. May he feel loved, good and cared about when he reads it. It's short because I think people typically don't want to read a lot. I ramble on here because it's my journal for me.
I basically just opened up with the line from that well known song - have I told you lately that I love you. Then went on to write a few, concise and true things I appreciate and enjoy about him.
I told him that I am so grateful that he is not constantly critical of me. I hesitated to tell him exactly why that came to me so strongly because I'm not sure it would be appropriate. For some reason last night, when Daniel was talking about his dad, I found myself asking myself if I wished things had worked out with Dale White; I mean we do have 2 children together. But there was not a moment of hesitation in my mind - the answer was a resounding NO. Life with him was so absolutely horrible - he never stopped criticizing even the smallest of things I did (one time he yelled at me because he came in and I was making the burritos wrong; I was to put on beans first, then cheese and then the other ingredients because that was the right way to do it). I tend toward heaviness of body; I'm definitely not the slender type even at my best and I'm overweight. Dale hated that. Dale cheated on me twice that I know of. I never felt attractive. Maybe he's changed; but then again, he always seemed like such a super nice guy if you weren't married to him and he still does seem super nice. Perhaps it was just that I was a failure as a wife to him and he will be happy with the gal he's engaged to now (it's kind of odd; they are engaged to be married "when the boys are out of school". Daniel was a freshman in high school and Dylan a sophomore last year when their dad became engaged). I can not express how happy I am to not live like that any more. One thing about John is that he really does not have a critical spirit toward me. He's not really a critical person in general and he's definitely not a controlling type; he's more likely to just walk away and disengage if he doesn't like something. Disengagement can be lonely but it's billions of times preferable to constant verbal abuse.
Anway, may the note hit him right. May he feel loved, good and cared about when he reads it. It's short because I think people typically don't want to read a lot. I ramble on here because it's my journal for me.
Day 4 - Being Thoughtful
First off I'm not doing this exactly daily. It takes me more than a day to get these done - maybe I'm like relationally retarded/slow....
It also takes longer because John is gone 3 days of the week to go spend time with his grandkids and his brothers and he & some of their kids all ensure they each take a day with his mom so that she can stay in her own home.
But I am grateful that I'm doing better in the negative comments department.
The authors say:
"If you don't learn to be thoughtful, you end up regretting missed opportunities to demonstrate love. Thoughtlessness is a silent enemy to a loving relationship."
The authors also make the point that women typically need to learn to communicate truthfully and not say one thing while meaning another. They also talk about avoiding the pattern of "ready, shoot, aim" when speaking to your spouse when you're frustrated with him.
The challenge is to contact your spouse sometime during the business day and have no agenda other than to ask how he is doing and if there is anything you can do for him. One of the things I find frustrating with John is that I have no way to contact him; he refuses to get a cell. For close to a year I had one for him via my account but he would never answer it and didn't call me so I gave up on that and have refused to get him another. So how can I even contact him. He will sometimes do email so I guess I've got to go that route. Loses any immediacy because who knows when he'll read it....it can't be a how are you but it could be a just to bless him kind of thing. Then when he does get home I can be all about how are you. That's how I'll approach this.
Heavenly Father, thank You for Your patience with me. Help me become more loving and thoughtful toward John; help me see ways I can demonstrate love to him. Our anniversary is coming up in just 9 days; help me think of something(s) special I can do for John for that. Help me see something I can do for him each day to make his life a bit more pleasant. Oh Father, thank you for marriage and motherhood - opportunities to look past myself and work to get past my self centered attitude. Thank You for loving me as I am and help me to do that for others.
It also takes longer because John is gone 3 days of the week to go spend time with his grandkids and his brothers and he & some of their kids all ensure they each take a day with his mom so that she can stay in her own home.
But I am grateful that I'm doing better in the negative comments department.
The authors say:
"If you don't learn to be thoughtful, you end up regretting missed opportunities to demonstrate love. Thoughtlessness is a silent enemy to a loving relationship."
The authors also make the point that women typically need to learn to communicate truthfully and not say one thing while meaning another. They also talk about avoiding the pattern of "ready, shoot, aim" when speaking to your spouse when you're frustrated with him.
The challenge is to contact your spouse sometime during the business day and have no agenda other than to ask how he is doing and if there is anything you can do for him. One of the things I find frustrating with John is that I have no way to contact him; he refuses to get a cell. For close to a year I had one for him via my account but he would never answer it and didn't call me so I gave up on that and have refused to get him another. So how can I even contact him. He will sometimes do email so I guess I've got to go that route. Loses any immediacy because who knows when he'll read it....it can't be a how are you but it could be a just to bless him kind of thing. Then when he does get home I can be all about how are you. That's how I'll approach this.
Heavenly Father, thank You for Your patience with me. Help me become more loving and thoughtful toward John; help me see ways I can demonstrate love to him. Our anniversary is coming up in just 9 days; help me think of something(s) special I can do for John for that. Help me see something I can do for him each day to make his life a bit more pleasant. Oh Father, thank you for marriage and motherhood - opportunities to look past myself and work to get past my self centered attitude. Thank You for loving me as I am and help me to do that for others.
Investing in my husband
Making sure to make time for intimacy and put that as a priority is what I chose to do and want to ensure that I continue to. Life can get so busy and that's such an important part of our relationship.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Day 3 - Putting the other person first
Day 3 is about the battle with selfishness that all humans encounter.
The authors make the point that "true love looks for ways to say 'yes'". They talk about how love wants to do good for the other person and is not always pursing her own desires/needs/etc.
The challenge for the day is to do something special for your spouse that shows you were thinking about him today. The idea being that whatever you invest your time, attention and $ into becomes important to you.
The challenge is also to continue to refrain from negative comments (apparently this is a killer for everyone so it's added to each day's challenge).
Of Father, empower me to refrain from negative comments today. Thank You for Your power. Show me something I can do for John today to show that I am thinking about him. Thank You Father that You have good plans for our marriage.
The authors make the point that "true love looks for ways to say 'yes'". They talk about how love wants to do good for the other person and is not always pursing her own desires/needs/etc.
The challenge for the day is to do something special for your spouse that shows you were thinking about him today. The idea being that whatever you invest your time, attention and $ into becomes important to you.
The challenge is also to continue to refrain from negative comments (apparently this is a killer for everyone so it's added to each day's challenge).
Of Father, empower me to refrain from negative comments today. Thank You for Your power. Show me something I can do for John today to show that I am thinking about him. Thank You Father that You have good plans for our marriage.
Unexpected gesture of kindness
There are always lots of opportunities for those.
When John got back from his trip to Yosemite on Wednesday night I right away went and made him a big glass of ice water. Wednesday and last night I made dinner, cleaned up as I made it and did all the after dinner dishes and putting away of food without a word (typically he helps).
Doing nice things isn't as hard for me as my mouth. Thank God He's helping me work on that.
When John got back from his trip to Yosemite on Wednesday night I right away went and made him a big glass of ice water. Wednesday and last night I made dinner, cleaned up as I made it and did all the after dinner dishes and putting away of food without a word (typically he helps).
Doing nice things isn't as hard for me as my mouth. Thank God He's helping me work on that.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Two steps forward and one step back
Feels like I'm taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back with this whole speak no negative words to or about John.
I was doing great all morning.
During the morning I'd said how I'd need to go to the grocery store and I was going to take Daniel to get a pole vaulting pole from the school (which is by the grocery store; both of which are about a 10 - 15 minute drive from our home). John even commented on how Daniel already has 2 poles here and I explained it was for a girl to whom we are giving a ride. We even talked about the girl and the ride and what days this will be later. Then John goes to an appointment and takes the truck. Now I have no way to go and will have to wait 1, 2 at the worst 3hrs until he returns. By that time the grocery will be packed with people getting off work. We have 2 other cars here and he could have taken either one of them. I feel so frustrated. It seems that John never listens.
On the bad side I started complaining to the boys. Daniel said that complaining doesn't change anything so I stopped - he's right. He has reason to be frustrated as well since they will now be leaving 2 hrs later than they had planned to go somewhere tonight. Oh well nothing I can do about it.
I don't want to be negative, but should I just say nothing? Perhaps it would be OK to explain that I had to wait until his return to go since he took the truck and leave it at that. But I want him to know that the grocery will then be all crowded and would not have been crowded now. I asked Daniel if we just get the pole on Monday and he said he'd be concerned because it is out at the school where it could be stolen.
OK I know the truth is that I should say nothing and bite the bullet.
The sad thing is he will never notice. But the truth is my pointing it out has never worked in the past - he just says how he's a day dreamer and how he was put back in kindergarten for that very thing. To me that is him saying he is how he is and likes it and doesn't care if it causes me grief because he refuses to work on anything that causes others grief if it works for him. To me it says he cares more about him than me.
But the truth is I am not accountable to God for him and I am accountable to God for me. So this is an opportunity to be kind and over look an offense.
Oh Father, please change my heart and make me a kinder person. Thank You for this opportunity to act kindly. Thank You for loving me enough to help me change into a better person. By Your grace and power help me to just go on when John gets here instead of complaining. Thank You that I can do all things through Your strength.
I was doing great all morning.
During the morning I'd said how I'd need to go to the grocery store and I was going to take Daniel to get a pole vaulting pole from the school (which is by the grocery store; both of which are about a 10 - 15 minute drive from our home). John even commented on how Daniel already has 2 poles here and I explained it was for a girl to whom we are giving a ride. We even talked about the girl and the ride and what days this will be later. Then John goes to an appointment and takes the truck. Now I have no way to go and will have to wait 1, 2 at the worst 3hrs until he returns. By that time the grocery will be packed with people getting off work. We have 2 other cars here and he could have taken either one of them. I feel so frustrated. It seems that John never listens.
On the bad side I started complaining to the boys. Daniel said that complaining doesn't change anything so I stopped - he's right. He has reason to be frustrated as well since they will now be leaving 2 hrs later than they had planned to go somewhere tonight. Oh well nothing I can do about it.
I don't want to be negative, but should I just say nothing? Perhaps it would be OK to explain that I had to wait until his return to go since he took the truck and leave it at that. But I want him to know that the grocery will then be all crowded and would not have been crowded now. I asked Daniel if we just get the pole on Monday and he said he'd be concerned because it is out at the school where it could be stolen.
OK I know the truth is that I should say nothing and bite the bullet.
The sad thing is he will never notice. But the truth is my pointing it out has never worked in the past - he just says how he's a day dreamer and how he was put back in kindergarten for that very thing. To me that is him saying he is how he is and likes it and doesn't care if it causes me grief because he refuses to work on anything that causes others grief if it works for him. To me it says he cares more about him than me.
But the truth is I am not accountable to God for him and I am accountable to God for me. So this is an opportunity to be kind and over look an offense.
Oh Father, please change my heart and make me a kinder person. Thank You for this opportunity to act kindly. Thank You for loving me enough to help me change into a better person. By Your grace and power help me to just go on when John gets here instead of complaining. Thank You that I can do all things through Your strength.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Continuing to struggle with my Words
OK I'm really failing at this make no negative comments.
It's because I have bitterness inside toward John. I feel like he doesn't love me. He leaves all the time to go be with his grandkids (2 days from every week) and makes about 4 7-10-day trips a year to Yosemite. He always talks about how wonderful Yosemite is and how wonderful his grandkids are but doesn't tend to think I'm so hot. He seems to begrudge any $ he has to spend toward me and is always trying to get me to spend $ on him.
But there are 4 issues here:
1. I could be wrong in my perceptions.
2. I am only responsible for my actions, not his.
3. Bitterness is sin and it's detrimental.
4. No matter how I feel I can choose to do the right thing.
Oh Father forgive me for all the resentment and bitterness I harbor toward John. You know that I can not get rid of this bitterness and be forgiving on my own, so please give me Your supernatural power and grace. I am so thoroughly selfish - please forgive my selfishness. Oh Father, right now I choose forgiveness. Help me, whenever other thoughts/feelings arise, to come back to this choice and reaffirm it. Oh Father, please put a guard on my lips and may I be one who is kind to my husband and only says good things. Maybe a day will come when we can discuss the problems but for now I know I am to take this dare and be positive. Thank You for Your forgiveness Lord. Thank You so much that You enable me to do what You call me to do. Thank You for Your love. Help me be a more loving person. Thank You Father.
It's because I have bitterness inside toward John. I feel like he doesn't love me. He leaves all the time to go be with his grandkids (2 days from every week) and makes about 4 7-10-day trips a year to Yosemite. He always talks about how wonderful Yosemite is and how wonderful his grandkids are but doesn't tend to think I'm so hot. He seems to begrudge any $ he has to spend toward me and is always trying to get me to spend $ on him.
But there are 4 issues here:
1. I could be wrong in my perceptions.
2. I am only responsible for my actions, not his.
3. Bitterness is sin and it's detrimental.
4. No matter how I feel I can choose to do the right thing.
Oh Father forgive me for all the resentment and bitterness I harbor toward John. You know that I can not get rid of this bitterness and be forgiving on my own, so please give me Your supernatural power and grace. I am so thoroughly selfish - please forgive my selfishness. Oh Father, right now I choose forgiveness. Help me, whenever other thoughts/feelings arise, to come back to this choice and reaffirm it. Oh Father, please put a guard on my lips and may I be one who is kind to my husband and only says good things. Maybe a day will come when we can discuss the problems but for now I know I am to take this dare and be positive. Thank You for Your forgiveness Lord. Thank You so much that You enable me to do what You call me to do. Thank You for Your love. Help me be a more loving person. Thank You Father.
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