Day 15 -Pray

This chapter talked about the fact that I need to get it into my head for once and for all that I can not change my spouse. This is actually something I'd realized and accepted already.

But the authors go onto say that just as a farmer can not make the crops grow, he can plant the seeds into fertile soil, give it water and nutrients, protect it from weeds and then turn it over to God. The authors challenged me to "nurture the soil of" John's "heart", to plan for success and to keep at the concepts in this book.

The point is also made that perhaps you have an overwhelming insight into your spouse's faults so that you will pray for him better.

Today's dare is to begin praying for John's heart. To pray for 3 specific areas where I desire God to work in his life and our marriage.

Oh Father, show me what I need to pray concerning and then help me do it. Create in me a faithfulness to pray for John and our marriage

The 3 areas are:

1. John to grow in generosity. To not live life so much as a taker.
2. Our intimacy to become more fun and creative and satisfying for both of us.
3. John to experience more peace and not constantly obsess on safety.

Think I'll always need to work on this delighting thing

I don't think this choice to focus on the good in John and delight in him is a one time thing, I think it's a daily choice. Some days being easier than others.

I made time for us to be close, I know that's his most favorite us activity. He was happy. That is one thing I frequently just make sure we make time for because I know it's foundational.

Day 14 - Choosing to Delight

Boy did I need to read today's chapter.

These 4 sentences by the authors say it really well:

"If you pick at your mate more than you praise them, it's because you have allowed your heart to be selfish. You've led yourself into criticism.

So now it's time to lead your heart back out. It's time to learn to delight in your spouse again, then watch your heart actually start enjoying who they are."

Plus the chapter ending sentence summing it all up:

"The responsibility is yours to relearn what you love about this one to whom you've promised yourself forever".

Our culture depicts romance as a feeling. I also always seem to be hearing messages that if it's not working, or those feelings are gone - move on. Be true to yourself. You deserve it.

But that never works because eventually whomever you move onto begins to be annoying as well. Because I'm annoying. Because people are annoying. The authors observe that - "left to ourselves, we'll always lean toward being disapproving of one another."

Today's Dare is to Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. To do something he would like or do a project he'd like to work on.

In a way, John did this for me yesterday. We had the chance to go out to lunch together at a favorite place for us both that we'd found not too long ago. Then we were gonna go see a movie; we each had one we really wanted to see. Since we live in a remote area, we were also throwing in buying a dryer (after 2 second hand ones breaking on us within the last 3yrs, we decided to just get a new one) and pick up some things at Smart and Final. When we got to the movies, the one I wanted to see started 10 minutes earlier than his, but was still a 40 minute wait. The movie is annexed onto the mall and I really needed to buy a Christmas present(s) for Ginger, my son's fiance who will be here for a week prior to Christmas. I knew what I wanted and the 3 stores I'd go to. John really didn't want to go into the mall but saw my disappointment so he did. It had been really cold outside but was warm in the mall; he relaxed by a fountain while I went to the 1st 2 stores (I'm a quick shopper - know what I want and go in & get it and come right back out). Then he went with me while I bought some candy at Sees for both Ginger and Devon because he knew they would give him a free sample; after he got that sample he went to the store next door and watched a football game on TV while I waited in line and made my purchase. Then we went and watched the movies I'd really wanted to see. He enjoyed both the shopping and movie and we had a great day all together.

Now it's my chance - what can I neglect, and what should we do?

The neglect part is easy; I'd planned to watch some TV this evening and certainly don't need to do that. But what can we do together.....

Oh Father, thank You for Your love. I ask forgiveness for my crabby, critical heart. Oh Father, please change me and make me loving and appreciative. Thank You for giving me an awareness of when my heart is straying. Thank You for giving me the power to lead my heart back to You and back to John. Please help me see, and focus on all the good about John. Thank You for this wonderful man who is just right for me. Show me what we should do together, how I can bless and minister to John in this. Thank You Father.

Day 13 - Fighting Fair

In this chapters the authors state the obvious - life is stressful, stuff happens, we are married to imperfect people - arguments are inevitable. But they point out that how you argue can make your marriage stronger or destroy it.

They talk about making 2 sets of fighting rule; we rules and me rules. We rules are rules that John and I would agree to together and me rules are rules I make for myself. They give excellent examples of both.

Oh Father, thank You that You care for me. Thank You that You want good for our marriage. Show me the rules I need to establish before You and stick to in this marriage. Please show me how to bring this all up with John and the rules we should establish together.

Here's my rules for myself (many of them are the ones they gave as examples in the book):

1. I will never make disparaging comments about or to John. ^{1 Thessalonians 5:9-11(MSG) -} For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

2. I will listen first before speaking; really listen. James 1:9-Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.

3. I will first, seek to see where I am wrong and deal with my own issues before looking to John's issues.
Matthew 7:3 (NLT) - “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own?

4. I will speak gently, respectfully and at a normal volume.
Proverbs 15:1 (NKJ) -A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.

God is working

I've begin choosing to be more bending as just a lifestyle; I can give in and do things John's way instead of mine, as well as just let him do stuff that doesn't make sense to me and refrain from comment.

The cool thing is that, after I've been doing this for a few of weeks, I've noticed that John has become more bending in my direction as well.

What a blessing!

Day 12 - Willingness

The chapter described willingness as "an attitude and spirit of cooperation that should permeate". It talked about how sometimes in relationships there are issues where we each dig our heels in and don't want anything other than our way.

That happens somewhat frequently with John and I. We both have definite ideas, we're both rather stubborn; and we've both had years of being single and doing things exactly our own way. I've tried to become better about that lately.

The chapter used Philippians 2 to motivate; a reminder of how God chose to be willing to become a man and serve us all and how the 5th verse directs me to have the same attitude that was in Christ Jesus. I was especially attracted to the way they said it:

"All it takes for your present arguments to continue is for both of you to stay entrenched and unbending. But the very moment one of you says, "I'm willing to go your way on this one", the argument will be over. An though the follow through may cost you some pride and discomfort, you have made a loving, lasting investment in your marriage."

I want to invest in my marriage.

So the dare is to choose an area of disagreement between your spouse and you and tell them that you are putting their preference first.

Oh Father, I can not begin to thank You for sending Jesus to die in my place. Thank you Jesus for being willing to give up Your rightful place to take on human limitations and life, thank You for dying for me. Thank You so much. Father, please show me what area of disagreement to choose. Then show me how to do it. Help me learn to really love. Help me not to insist on having my own way; You know my selfish heart. Oh change me Lord, from the inside out. You gave me John, help me learn to value him. Thank You.

A get away

Part of how I chose to cherish John was to take a get away with him.

I have a time share. It's something I bought second hand years ago and just can't get rid of, but my sons and I have enjoyed several awesome vacations through trading it out. John's come on a few with us. This year we decided for John and I to use 5 of the 7 days for a get away for just us two. It was a big decision for me, but I went for it. I'm glad I did. The boys were fine without us for 5 days; they're actually home very little anyway and I called them daily. John and I had an awesome time.

Day 11 - Cherishing

This chapter makes the point that my husband and I's lives are interwoven. He is to me as a part of my body. So to treat him poorly is to treat myself poorly.

The Dare today is to do something to show my husband that I cherish him. Perhaps a need I can meet or an errand I can do for him.

Father, show me what you want me to do for John today. Help me love and appreciate this man You've given me in the way You would want me to.

Day 10 - Agape

Day 10 is about loving your spouse based on your commitment, instead of his attributes and behavior. It's about the unconditional, God kind of love, referred to in the Bible as Agape.

Part of why I'd been so discouraged in marriage was because I had been feeling out of love with John; simply because of this very reason my love had been based on his attributes and behavior. Once I'd gotten to know him better, as in daily to day life, I no longer thought so well of his attributes and behavior. (Of course I'm sure he couldn't help but notice I wasn't so great all the time either; and I've always been aware of that fact) But, since I've started this book, I've been seeking to lead my heart. To choose to love.

This attitude makes life incredibly better.

The Dare today to do something out of the ordinary today for my spouse. Something that shows both myself and him that I love him.

So heavenly Father, show me as I go through this day what it is that I can do for John today. Thank You Father for loving me. Help me love John, the boys, and everyone else You have in my life with Your agape love. I recognize that I can only do it with you.

Greeting result

It would seem that the greeting was just nice and pleasant.

But I'll tell you what, I can not say if it is related, but that next day was an us date day.

We went out to lunch at Home Town Buffet - I've started working on my attitude so now we always go to his favorite place. it's cheap and low quality but the truth is that I can find stuff there I like OK (plus I just tell myself that it's in the same price as fast food nowadays & I definitely prefer it to that). We picked up a few needed items at Walmart, went to the $1.50 theater where we watched a very enjoyable movie. Then we went to Dylan's football game. John even paid my way into that (I usually pay for that since it's my son). But the deal was it was a good time for both of us. It connected us in positive ways.

Day 9 - The greeting

Boy did I need to read this, and read it today!

This chapter talks about how we greet our mate. It brings up that the Bible talks about greetings more than you'd expect (remember all those folks listed by name to be greeted in the epistles that you tend to skip over?) It also recounted the father's greeting of the prodigal son when he returned home and talked about thinking about how that made him feel.

Sometimes I barely even notice or acknowledge John when he returns.

I'll be honest, I even know that I've been doing that. At a deep level I long for enthusiastic and passionate greetings but have thought that I just wish that I felt that way about him. On some level I've put it on him to be good enough, to make me feel good enough, to want that. Oh gee, how can I love God and be so ridiculous!

It's about leading my heart.

Well, the timing is perfect because John left Tuesday morning to visit Troy and stay the night at his house in Covina and then on Wednesday he's with his sick/frail mom and daughter Cathy. Today he's trying to get a sub job or hanging out at one of those places and will be home tonight. So I've a steller opportunity for a greeting.

Oh Father, help me lead my heart. Right now I renounce the lies of the enemy that focus, attention and my all to make this marriage work and be good is not important - it is vital. Help me make a wonderful, enthusiastic greeting for John when he returns today. Thank You for caring God, thank You for Your power in me.

It's been a good reminder

I didn't think I was jealous of John's successes.

But it's been a good reminder. Since Kathy, the church secretary, has been so helpful and nice to him and ignored me. She hasn't been to the last 3 small groups and I'm afraid I'm bugging her by sending the sorry-you-weren't-here-we-missed-you notes. She doesn't respond to any of my emails any more and that hurts - I thought she was my friend. Just gotta trust God on this one.

I have this weird thing with complimenting him. Like it will someone go to his head and make him think he doesn't have anything he needs to work on - how sick is that thought process?!

Day 8 - Jealousy

Today it's not about the healthy kind of jealousy where you want your beloved to love only you and no others; it's about the unhealthy kind where you are upset because he got something you wanted. At first I thought this didn't apply to me until the example about if your spouse is out having fun and you're home with chores - do you rejoice when his trip goes well? Ha!

Heavenly Father, help me be more aware when jealousy rears its head and repent right away. May I always want the best for John. Help me care, notice, and rejoice with him in his blessings.

Today's challenge is to destroy the bad list from day 7 and to talk to with your spouse about some recent triumph he's had and let him know I'm glad.

Day 7 Lists

Part of the dare for day 7 is to write 2 lists that will be used later. One describing the positive things about my spouse and one describing the negative things about my spouse. Then think about which list was easier to write and what that reveals about my thoughts.

Positive List

He laughs easily
He loves God
He has an appreciation for poetry
He is into Christian mystics writing
He can speak and write poetically
He adores and spends time with his young grandsons
He's a dutiful son
He typically chooses to remove himself from explosive situations rather than "get into it" and yell
He isn't into debt
He doesn't spend more than his income
He saves money
He whole heartedly enjoys nature/God's creation
He's not ruled by what others think
He appreciates the appearance of full figured women
He appreciates me
He's easy to please
He's versed in the Word
He's open to involvement in new ministries lately
He's reflective in his manner of thinking
He does not long for other women; would never cheat



Negative List

This list was destroyed as part of Day 8's exercise.

I did not find one list easier to write. I do see a lot of John's negatives flowing from brokenness and having lived alone so many years.

Day 7 - Believing the Best

1 Corinthians 13:7 tells us that love believes all things, hopes all things.

The authors made a remarkable analogy about there being 2 rooms in our heart. One room filled with all the phrases describing the good attributes on your mate that they called the Appreciation room. One filled with all the things that bother and irritate us about our spouse called the Depreciation room. The question is - which room do I want to live in?

Today's dare has 2 parts.

1- Pick a positive attribute and thank your spouse for having that characteristic.

2 - Write 2 lists. One on which is listed positive things about your spouse. One on which is listed negative things about your spouse. I'm to save these lists to be utilized on another day.

Schedules

Part of the dare had been to look for margins in your life; over scheduling, and so adding stress into your life that is the wellspring that irritability springs out of.

This is not my problem. Currently I am not working outside the home and my sons are ages 14, 16 & 21. I have a few ministries I am privileged to be able to serve God and others through. But I've been very careful to not over commit and so I'm OK in this regard.

Heart Trouble

I think my biggest issue is with my mouth.

However, Jesus said:

You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.
Matthew 12:34 (NIV)

So this underscores the fact that I have a heart problem.

I continue to struggle with the content of day 1 of this love dare - refraining from saying negative things to my spouse.

I have failed miserably at responding with irritability. Instead of letting little things go, I continue to point them out to, if I'm completely honest with myself, train John to act better. But it's not my job to train John! I'm to be his wife; his friend, his lover. It's God's job to work in John's heart and build him into who He wants John to be - I need to focus on me.

Oh Father, thank You that You don't give up on me. Because I continue to fail; to be negative and irritable. Oh Lord, work in my heart. Show me where I'm not giving You access to my heart, soul, & mind so that I can, by Your power change. Oh Father, put a guard on my lips so that I will speak words of love and affirmation to John. May I be oh so slow to ever speak out about negative circumstances, may I be totally confident that it is the right thing, Your will, before I ever do this (I recognize that sometimes we do need to deal with problems). Father, I so want to trust You and rest in the assurance that You are at work for my good, for John's good. Help me to do that Lord. Thank You Father that I'm never alone. Thank You that You are working in me.

Day 6 - Love is not irritable

I hate to say this, but I am irritable. My sons have commented on this more than once.

Oh Father, work in my heart and help me change.

The authors talk about the root causes of irritability: stress & selfishness. The also talk about hidden areas of selfishness that will result in irritability: lust-an ungrateful heart that refuses to be content with what she has, bitterness, greed, and pride.

The dare for today is to really take note and make sure to respond to tough circumstances today in loving ways instead of with irritation.

The suggest that, since stress can create irritability, you look at your life and see if you need to add in margin time so you're not pushing yourself too hard. Then ask God to work in you and show you any wrong motivations that you need to get rid of in your life.

A few months ago I would really have needed to put some margins in. But right now I have lots of margin since I'm not working outside the home and my children are older.

God's been showing me lately that I have let bitterness into my heart for things that happened in the past with John that are hurting now. Oh Father, I'm so sorry for my bitter and unforgiving spirit. I choose anew to forgive John for those things he said on our first day of marriage, for his attitude about money, his desire to be away in Yosemite, and for his over indulgence of his adult children. Of Father, empower me to let these things go. Help me focus on being who You want me to be in instead of holding a grudge against John for his short comings. Thank You Father.

I think I may also have issues with pride. Because I don't take it well at all when people in the car (ie sons and John) criticize my driving or tell me I'm doing things wrong around the house. I also get impatient with people who I think are being dumb. Oh Father, I think You that my security is in You not in me. Please help me always remember that and not see myself as more important than I am or react from insecurity. May I be in reality about who I am and what You want from me.

The ugly truth about me

I am a rude person. I am selfish.

As I'm working my way though this book I repeatedly see how selfish I am and specifically how that plays out in various ways. Because of the "day 5" (I'm obviously taking more than a day to work on each of these days) focus is rudeness I am becoming more aware of that.

Oh Father, change my heart. Help me be more aware of others instead of it always being about me. Tenderize me on the inside to where I can see other first. Thank You for Your patience with me.

Day 5 - Refraining from rudeness

The authors made a valid point by stating that the main reasons why people are rude to one another are ignorance and selfishness. They go on to list 3 guiding principles for marriage:

• Treat your mate the way you want to be treated.
• Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to co-workers and strangers.
• Consider what your spouse has asked you to do and not to do - honor requests.

The dare is to ask your spouse to tell you 3 things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritated with you; and refrain from attacking or justifying your behavior when he responds.

Because of how John doesn't always focus, and just the general awkwardness of such a question, I emailed him. He emailed me back how he wants to focus instead on the good he sees in me or me doing for him. But then later that day when he asked me something and I responded with something to the effect of as I've already told you several times ...prior to answering the question, he said that was one of those things. So I will work to not do that any more; just give grace and & a brief answer - no need to add in if I've already told him this several times. When I think about it there is not any value in that. Those comments are not going to change him.

Later he said something about something else but then said he doesn't want to waste any of the 3 on that. Interesting how he got into it. He also said he's afraid of what I'll say to him; I told him this is about me this time.

John's MO is to not want to talk about my stuff because he absolutely doesn't want to deal with his. So he'll let me be on the premise that I'll let him be. But that doesn't make for a good marriage. So I'm glad I opened up the door to work on me, that's who I'm responsible for.

Got my chance quicker than I thought I would

When I finished here just a few minutes ago, I went over to read my emails. There was one from John that he'd sent just 2 minutes earlier concerning a daily business matter about the truck. So I emailed him right away hoping he will get it right away.

I basically just opened up with the line from that well known song - have I told you lately that I love you. Then went on to write a few, concise and true things I appreciate and enjoy about him.

I told him that I am so grateful that he is not constantly critical of me. I hesitated to tell him exactly why that came to me so strongly because I'm not sure it would be appropriate. For some reason last night, when Daniel was talking about his dad, I found myself asking myself if I wished things had worked out with Dale White; I mean we do have 2 children together. But there was not a moment of hesitation in my mind - the answer was a resounding NO. Life with him was so absolutely horrible - he never stopped criticizing even the smallest of things I did (one time he yelled at me because he came in and I was making the burritos wrong; I was to put on beans first, then cheese and then the other ingredients because that was the right way to do it). I tend toward heaviness of body; I'm definitely not the slender type even at my best and I'm overweight. Dale hated that. Dale cheated on me twice that I know of. I never felt attractive. Maybe he's changed; but then again, he always seemed like such a super nice guy if you weren't married to him and he still does seem super nice. Perhaps it was just that I was a failure as a wife to him and he will be happy with the gal he's engaged to now (it's kind of odd; they are engaged to be married "when the boys are out of school". Daniel was a freshman in high school and Dylan a sophomore last year when their dad became engaged). I can not express how happy I am to not live like that any more. One thing about John is that he really does not have a critical spirit toward me. He's not really a critical person in general and he's definitely not a controlling type; he's more likely to just walk away and disengage if he doesn't like something. Disengagement can be lonely but it's billions of times preferable to constant verbal abuse.

Anway, may the note hit him right. May he feel loved, good and cared about when he reads it. It's short because I think people typically don't want to read a lot. I ramble on here because it's my journal for me.

Day 4 - Being Thoughtful

First off I'm not doing this exactly daily. It takes me more than a day to get these done - maybe I'm like relationally retarded/slow....

It also takes longer because John is gone 3 days of the week to go spend time with his grandkids and his brothers and he & some of their kids all ensure they each take a day with his mom so that she can stay in her own home.


But I am grateful that I'm doing better in the negative comments department.

The authors say:

"If you don't learn to be thoughtful, you end up regretting missed opportunities to demonstrate love. Thoughtlessness is a silent enemy to a loving relationship."

The authors also make the point that women typically need to learn to communicate truthfully and not say one thing while meaning another. They also talk about avoiding the pattern of "ready, shoot, aim" when speaking to your spouse when you're frustrated with him.

The challenge is to contact your spouse sometime during the business day and have no agenda other than to ask how he is doing and if there is anything you can do for him. One of the things I find frustrating with John is that I have no way to contact him; he refuses to get a cell. For close to a year I had one for him via my account but he would never answer it and didn't call me so I gave up on that and have refused to get him another. So how can I even contact him. He will sometimes do email so I guess I've got to go that route. Loses any immediacy because who knows when he'll read it....it can't be a how are you but it could be a just to bless him kind of thing. Then when he does get home I can be all about how are you. That's how I'll approach this.

Heavenly Father, thank You for Your patience with me. Help me become more loving and thoughtful toward John; help me see ways I can demonstrate love to him. Our anniversary is coming up in just 9 days; help me think of something(s) special I can do for John for that. Help me see something I can do for him each day to make his life a bit more pleasant. Oh Father, thank you for marriage and motherhood - opportunities to look past myself and work to get past my self centered attitude. Thank You for loving me as I am and help me to do that for others.

Investing in my husband

Making sure to make time for intimacy and put that as a priority is what I chose to do and want to ensure that I continue to. Life can get so busy and that's such an important part of our relationship.

Day 3 - Putting the other person first

Day 3 is about the battle with selfishness that all humans encounter.

The authors make the point that "true love looks for ways to say 'yes'". They talk about how love wants to do good for the other person and is not always pursing her own desires/needs/etc.

The challenge for the day is to do something special for your spouse that shows you were thinking about him today. The idea being that whatever you invest your time, attention and $ into becomes important to you.

The challenge is also to continue to refrain from negative comments (apparently this is a killer for everyone so it's added to each day's challenge).

Of Father, empower me to refrain from negative comments today. Thank You for Your power. Show me something I can do for John today to show that I am thinking about him. Thank You Father that You have good plans for our marriage.

Unexpected gesture of kindness

There are always lots of opportunities for those.

When John got back from his trip to Yosemite on Wednesday night I right away went and made him a big glass of ice water. Wednesday and last night I made dinner, cleaned up as I made it and did all the after dinner dishes and putting away of food without a word (typically he helps).

Doing nice things isn't as hard for me as my mouth. Thank God He's helping me work on that.

Two steps forward and one step back

Feels like I'm taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back with this whole speak no negative words to or about John.

I was doing great all morning.

During the morning I'd said how I'd need to go to the grocery store and I was going to take Daniel to get a pole vaulting pole from the school (which is by the grocery store; both of which are about a 10 - 15 minute drive from our home). John even commented on how Daniel already has 2 poles here and I explained it was for a girl to whom we are giving a ride. We even talked about the girl and the ride and what days this will be later. Then John goes to an appointment and takes the truck. Now I have no way to go and will have to wait 1, 2 at the worst 3hrs until he returns. By that time the grocery will be packed with people getting off work. We have 2 other cars here and he could have taken either one of them. I feel so frustrated. It seems that John never listens.

On the bad side I started complaining to the boys. Daniel said that complaining doesn't change anything so I stopped - he's right. He has reason to be frustrated as well since they will now be leaving 2 hrs later than they had planned to go somewhere tonight. Oh well nothing I can do about it.

I don't want to be negative, but should I just say nothing? Perhaps it would be OK to explain that I had to wait until his return to go since he took the truck and leave it at that. But I want him to know that the grocery will then be all crowded and would not have been crowded now. I asked Daniel if we just get the pole on Monday and he said he'd be concerned because it is out at the school where it could be stolen.

OK I know the truth is that I should say nothing and bite the bullet.

The sad thing is he will never notice. But the truth is my pointing it out has never worked in the past - he just says how he's a day dreamer and how he was put back in kindergarten for that very thing. To me that is him saying he is how he is and likes it and doesn't care if it causes me grief because he refuses to work on anything that causes others grief if it works for him. To me it says he cares more about him than me.

But the truth is I am not accountable to God for him and I am accountable to God for me. So this is an opportunity to be kind and over look an offense.

Oh Father, please change my heart and make me a kinder person. Thank You for this opportunity to act kindly. Thank You for loving me enough to help me change into a better person. By Your grace and power help me to just go on when John gets here instead of complaining. Thank You that I can do all things through Your strength.

Continuing to struggle with my Words

OK I'm really failing at this make no negative comments.

It's because I have bitterness inside toward John. I feel like he doesn't love me. He leaves all the time to go be with his grandkids (2 days from every week) and makes about 4 7-10-day trips a year to Yosemite. He always talks about how wonderful Yosemite is and how wonderful his grandkids are but doesn't tend to think I'm so hot. He seems to begrudge any $ he has to spend toward me and is always trying to get me to spend $ on him.

But there are 4 issues here:
1. I could be wrong in my perceptions.
2. I am only responsible for my actions, not his.
3. Bitterness is sin and it's detrimental.
4. No matter how I feel I can choose to do the right thing.

Oh Father forgive me for all the resentment and bitterness I harbor toward John. You know that I can not get rid of this bitterness and be forgiving on my own, so please give me Your supernatural power and grace. I am so thoroughly selfish - please forgive my selfishness. Oh Father, right now I choose forgiveness. Help me, whenever other thoughts/feelings arise, to come back to this choice and reaffirm it. Oh Father, please put a guard on my lips and may I be one who is kind to my husband and only says good things. Maybe a day will come when we can discuss the problems but for now I know I am to take this dare and be positive. Thank You for Your forgiveness Lord. Thank You so much that You enable me to do what You call me to do. Thank You for Your love. Help me be a more loving person. Thank You Father.

Day 2 - Kindness

Since John is due back tomorrow evening I figure I'd better get my mind going for the next challenge.

So, I'm to continue to be patient via not saying negative things to or about John. Plus be kind; specifically do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

The authors make a good point:

"Patience avoids a problem; kindness creates a blessing"

They then go on to break kindness down into these basic core ingredients: Gentleness, Helpfulness, Willingness, Initiative.

Another point the authors made that I found important was when they were saying that time may change your feelings from those the day you wed but even though time can

"take the edge off that desire, your enjoyment in marriage is still linked to the daily level of kindness expressed."

They also say:

"It is difficult to demonstrate love when you feel little to no motivation. But love in its truest sense is not based on feelings. Rather, love determines to show thoughtful actions even when there seems to be no reward. You will never learn to love until you learn to demonstrate kindness."

Oh Father, help me look for opportunities to express kindness to both John and the kids. Empower me to reach beyond my feelings and selfishness and see ways I can create blessings for them. Thank you for the gifts of a husband and sons.

Another thing regarding day 1

Besides, by God's power guarding what I say to my husband, I am convicted to guard what I say about him. I am ashamed to admit that I have grumbled about him to the boys; things he does around the house kind of things. But that is wrong and must stop. I accept God's forgiveness and will go forth, by His power, a different way.

Journal regarding day 1

First off I messed up once; started being negative before I realized it.

It was when I noticed before noon that John was drinking wine. I'd bought 2 bottles for the Father's day party on Saturday and, aside from Eeva having a small cup, I think John gobbled up both bottles. I feel that he drinks way too much. But I am not his mother, he is an adult, he is a Christian (so the Holy Spirit can guide him), nagging never helps anyone. I started to make comments but stopped after one small one. I wish I'd made none but am grateful for the dare so I didn't fall into going on and on about it.

After that I was on my guard.

It was a good thing too because I noticed John out in his car packing stuff and asked if he was planning a trip to Yosemite any time soon. Turns out he planned to leave Monday AM and be gone for 10 days. Hadn't bothered to tell me about it. I bit my tongue and went and did stuff so he couldn't see how frustrated I am. Sometimes I wonder why he married me. Sometimes it feels like he just wants to get the good stuff from marriage but not give anything or be anything other than footloose and fancy free.

I recognize that everyone just wants the good stuff; once I once heard someone compare marriage to 2 ticks on a dog. I know that's true. Perhaps I'm just a really fat tick too. It just feels like I give so much more in this marriage and like John is such a taker. Actually it seems like in general in life John is a taker with everyone and every where except for his children where it seems that they are takers. Oh well, when judgment day comes I won't stand before God and give account for John, I will give account for me.

My whole purpose in doing the love dare was to work on what I can - me.

In the day 1 reading the authors made a point I've been thinking about. They said:
"Anger is usually caused when the strong desire for something is mixed with disappointment or grief. You don't get what you want and you start heating up inside. It is often and emotional reaction that flows out of our own selfishness, foolishness, or evil motives"

I am angry in my relationship with John. I think that this has my own selfishness at the root. God should be my source, not John. That way when John is human I don't have to be so upset because my needs are not getting met.

Oh Heavenly Father, I'm sorry for being such an angry person/wife. Please heal me. Please help me submit to You and not be so selfish. Please help me bring my needs to You and wait on You. Thank You for Your healing work and power. Thank You that You are blessing me and my marriage.

Since John will be gone for the next maybe 10 days or so (he never commits to times and will not pay for and use a cell phone), I most likely will wait on these specific days until he returns. I'll read day 2 and then wait on the rest until he returns (unless I see that it will work via distance).

Day 1 - Patience

Day 1 focuses on Patience. The main theme being what is love unless you are patient and let your spouse be human.

Today's dare is to demonstrate patience by not saying anything negative to your spouse for the entire day!

I resolve to do this and will share later tonight or tomorrow how it goes.

Introduction

As I read the introduction to this book two things struck me:
1. The emphasis on leading my heart contrasted to the popular cultural idea of following my heart.
2. The fact that I must commit to do the things in this journal, giving it my all, regardless of what I see.