In the last chapter I completed in the book the Dare was to to gaurd my mate's secrets and pray for him. To resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. To really listen to him when he shares personal thoughts and struggles and to make him feel safe.
One of the points was that there are some things about your mate that are not going to change and I have to just accept. John's going to Yosemite is one of these. He's already gone for 3 weeks earlier in the summer and I was fine with that. But a week ago he left again for another 3 weeks. I struggle with it. I wish he didn't want to be without me for that long repeatedly. I feel resentful; like he married me, knowing I have young sons, then leaves me to raise them alone since they are "my" sons.
But the bottom line is that this is who John is and I can't change him. By God's grace I do have power over myself.
Oh Father, change my heart. May I not be so hurt and resentful. May I accept the man You've given me and love him ungrudgingly and unselfishly. May I look to You to meet the deepest needs of my heart. The pastor shared on Sunday about looking for what You are doing, and getting to where You are already pouring out blessing, and to go to that place. Show me Father where You are working and blessing and where You want me to be. Help me get there in my marriage and every other area of my life. Thank You Lord that You even let someone like me come into Your presence. Thank You for Your shed blood Jesus that allows me to approach You. Thank You that You have good plans for my life.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Friday, May 7, 2010
Promoting intimacy
I think everyone has a desire to be known, loved, and accepted.
There is not place in life where we have the potential to be as fully known as in marriage. In marriage you come to know those things about one another to which others are not privy.
These words of the authors really sum up the entire chapter for me:
"Some of these secrets may need correcting. Therefor you can be an agent of healing and repair - not by lecturing, not by critizing, but by listening in love and offering support.
Some of these secrets just need to be accepted. They are part of this person's make-up and history. And though these issues may not be very pleasant to deal with, they will always require a gentle touch.
In either case, you and you alone weild the power either to reject your spouse because of this or to welcome them in - warts and all. They will either know they're in a plce of safety where they are free to make mistakes, or they will recoil into themselves and be lost to you, perhaps forever. Loving them well should be your life's work."
I so totally agree with this, but it's another matter all together in day to day life. It's not like John is necessarily aware of these things and comes to me and talks about them, it's more like he shows me them by his life. None the less, the authors are right and this is how I need to act. I need to not be critical, but rather demonstrate love and acceptance and pray for John.
I hate to admit this but the truth is that John is way better at this than I am. He was not when we first married, but something has changed in these 4 years. Somehow, as totally undeserving as I am, God has given me John's heart. I know that John loves me no matter what and would never leave or betray me. I should rejoice daily in this truth - when I think on it right now, I am almost not capable of comprehending this truth.
Oh Father, thank You for Your goodness and faithfulness. Thank You for giving me John. Please empower me to treat him well. You know me Lord, You know my selfish heart and critical spirit - please help me change. Help me be someone who creates a place a safety for John between us; where he can know he's truly known for who he is and still loved and respected. Please put a guard on my lips and help me catch critical words concerning John before they even leave my mouth, and empower me to change the way I speak. Help me be a person who sees the good in both John and my sons and who is constantly praising You and them. Give me wisdom in how to handle things that are wrong without crushing his spirit or disrespecting him. Thank You Father. Thank You that I know You want good for my marriage.
The challenge with this day is to gaurd my mate's secrets and pray for him. To resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. To really listen to him when he shares personal thoughts and struggles and to make him feel safe.
There is not place in life where we have the potential to be as fully known as in marriage. In marriage you come to know those things about one another to which others are not privy.
These words of the authors really sum up the entire chapter for me:
"Some of these secrets may need correcting. Therefor you can be an agent of healing and repair - not by lecturing, not by critizing, but by listening in love and offering support.
Some of these secrets just need to be accepted. They are part of this person's make-up and history. And though these issues may not be very pleasant to deal with, they will always require a gentle touch.
In either case, you and you alone weild the power either to reject your spouse because of this or to welcome them in - warts and all. They will either know they're in a plce of safety where they are free to make mistakes, or they will recoil into themselves and be lost to you, perhaps forever. Loving them well should be your life's work."
I so totally agree with this, but it's another matter all together in day to day life. It's not like John is necessarily aware of these things and comes to me and talks about them, it's more like he shows me them by his life. None the less, the authors are right and this is how I need to act. I need to not be critical, but rather demonstrate love and acceptance and pray for John.
I hate to admit this but the truth is that John is way better at this than I am. He was not when we first married, but something has changed in these 4 years. Somehow, as totally undeserving as I am, God has given me John's heart. I know that John loves me no matter what and would never leave or betray me. I should rejoice daily in this truth - when I think on it right now, I am almost not capable of comprehending this truth.
Oh Father, thank You for Your goodness and faithfulness. Thank You for giving me John. Please empower me to treat him well. You know me Lord, You know my selfish heart and critical spirit - please help me change. Help me be someone who creates a place a safety for John between us; where he can know he's truly known for who he is and still loved and respected. Please put a guard on my lips and help me catch critical words concerning John before they even leave my mouth, and empower me to change the way I speak. Help me be a person who sees the good in both John and my sons and who is constantly praising You and them. Give me wisdom in how to handle things that are wrong without crushing his spirit or disrespecting him. Thank You Father. Thank You that I know You want good for my marriage.
The challenge with this day is to gaurd my mate's secrets and pray for him. To resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. To really listen to him when he shares personal thoughts and struggles and to make him feel safe.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Current 3 specific prayer areas
Sometimes remembering past success brings encouragement for future times. There are a few things I've prayed for in the past, where I've seen changes.
One was Jake, our dog. We'd had him a bit over a year and John was about to retire and told me that he didn't want the dog around all the time, he wanted to get rid of him. John has never been a dog person particularly and Jake is part lab and part pit; he's not a dog you can throw a pillow at and he has a mind of his own, but he is loving and submissive when you work with him. Well of course I couldn't want Jake more than John but I loved that dog, so I began to pray. We still have Jake and John is the biggest spoiler of him. John talks about what a heart change he's had toward Jake and how he knows I must have prayed and God changed his heart.
Another was in the area of generosity. John married right out of high school and had 6 children. His first wife did not work when they were married. John worked. He also went to college and got a BA & MA and went into teaching. He loved the college area but ended up in elementary school teaching because he needed the steady work and benefits that provided for his growing family and he just couldn't keep up with full time school & work to complete his PhD. When the children were all in school, his first wife went back to college and completed both her BA and her MA in social work (she's now a LCSW). John's first wife was not into frugal living, she thought that if she bought things on sale at an expensive department store, that was being good. John typically taught full time and 1-2 other side jobs to make enough money. They ended up accumulating a lot of debt that John had to pay off. Looking back he's admitted that he should have had boundaries and made a budget, but he was young and dumb. Because of all this John became extremely frugal, he adores second hand stores and learned to always get things the least expensive way possible. While being frugal is a virtue, John became cheap and tight fisted in his attitudes. This tight fisted attitude hurt me a lot initially but I did understand it's origins and started praying for John in this area, and praying that I'd not let his attitude affect mine. I've always been very good with money, and not into debt, but love to be a giver. The bottom line is that I've seen a LOT of growth in John in this area, he's way more generous toward me than ever before.
So, what to pray for now:
1. Areas of irritation. I'm not sure exactly how to pray. John has a lot of little idiosyncrasies that drive most people nuts and are irritating to live with - but I'm not sure if I should pray for him to change those, or me to have a more grace-filled attitude and not be bothered. So I guess I'll pray for both. I'll also pray for myself to be aware of my won irritating behavior and by God's power change in those ways.
2. Our sexual relationship to be enhanced. More pleasurable and exciting.
3. Our friendship to deepen, to really become best friends in ways that nourish both our hearts.
So I'll be praying for these 3 areas. I want to be able in the future to say how God has answered these, just as I can about those other 2, and give Him the glory for His greatness.
One was Jake, our dog. We'd had him a bit over a year and John was about to retire and told me that he didn't want the dog around all the time, he wanted to get rid of him. John has never been a dog person particularly and Jake is part lab and part pit; he's not a dog you can throw a pillow at and he has a mind of his own, but he is loving and submissive when you work with him. Well of course I couldn't want Jake more than John but I loved that dog, so I began to pray. We still have Jake and John is the biggest spoiler of him. John talks about what a heart change he's had toward Jake and how he knows I must have prayed and God changed his heart.
Another was in the area of generosity. John married right out of high school and had 6 children. His first wife did not work when they were married. John worked. He also went to college and got a BA & MA and went into teaching. He loved the college area but ended up in elementary school teaching because he needed the steady work and benefits that provided for his growing family and he just couldn't keep up with full time school & work to complete his PhD. When the children were all in school, his first wife went back to college and completed both her BA and her MA in social work (she's now a LCSW). John's first wife was not into frugal living, she thought that if she bought things on sale at an expensive department store, that was being good. John typically taught full time and 1-2 other side jobs to make enough money. They ended up accumulating a lot of debt that John had to pay off. Looking back he's admitted that he should have had boundaries and made a budget, but he was young and dumb. Because of all this John became extremely frugal, he adores second hand stores and learned to always get things the least expensive way possible. While being frugal is a virtue, John became cheap and tight fisted in his attitudes. This tight fisted attitude hurt me a lot initially but I did understand it's origins and started praying for John in this area, and praying that I'd not let his attitude affect mine. I've always been very good with money, and not into debt, but love to be a giver. The bottom line is that I've seen a LOT of growth in John in this area, he's way more generous toward me than ever before.
So, what to pray for now:
1. Areas of irritation. I'm not sure exactly how to pray. John has a lot of little idiosyncrasies that drive most people nuts and are irritating to live with - but I'm not sure if I should pray for him to change those, or me to have a more grace-filled attitude and not be bothered. So I guess I'll pray for both. I'll also pray for myself to be aware of my won irritating behavior and by God's power change in those ways.
2. Our sexual relationship to be enhanced. More pleasurable and exciting.
3. Our friendship to deepen, to really become best friends in ways that nourish both our hearts.
So I'll be praying for these 3 areas. I want to be able in the future to say how God has answered these, just as I can about those other 2, and give Him the glory for His greatness.
Interceeding in Prayer
The chapter talks about how you can not change another person; how it is insane to even try. But of course everyone who's married has fallen into that trap at least once. It also talks about how farmers don't make the crops grow but they can do everything in their power to make the conditions right; the analogy that I took from that was that working on the things in this book is like weeding & watering, and my personal time with God is like soil preparation and enriching.
Then, on prayer, I think the authors said it so well with these words:
"Have you ever wondered why God gives you overwhelming insight into your spouse's hidden faults? Do you really think it's for endless nagging? No, it is for effective kneeling. No one knows better how to pray for your mate than you."
The dare was to start praying for y our spouse's heart. To pray for 3 specific areas where you desire God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.
Father, may I be committed to praying for John and for us way more than to thinking on how he may irritate me, or dreaming about a better life. Please reveal to me 3 specific things to begin praying about for our marriage.
Then, on prayer, I think the authors said it so well with these words:
"Have you ever wondered why God gives you overwhelming insight into your spouse's hidden faults? Do you really think it's for endless nagging? No, it is for effective kneeling. No one knows better how to pray for your mate than you."
The dare was to start praying for y our spouse's heart. To pray for 3 specific areas where you desire God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.
Father, may I be committed to praying for John and for us way more than to thinking on how he may irritate me, or dreaming about a better life. Please reveal to me 3 specific things to begin praying about for our marriage.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Removing anything that Hinders my Affections
The first thing that came to my mind with the dare is hard to come out and admit.
It's my fantasy life.
Frequently, when I can't get to sleep at night, or if I wake up and can't get back to sleep (both of which have been challenges of mine for years), I'll try to think, day dream, about something that entertains or delights me. In and of itself there is nothing wrong with this.
The problem is that over the past several months these "day dreams" have more often than not taken on a scenario where I'm a totally different person, in a completely different life, and there's some man in my life. This man always embodies all the qualities of the most desirable man possible (or actually impossible, since no one is perfect). I derive great enjoyment from this day dreamed relationship with this man and it is pleasing and I drift back to sleep. The problem is that this day dream relationship is more satisfying than my real one - of course - since neither myself or him are real and deal with real personal failings and life challenges. I don't want to let this blur my perception of reality and put unfair expectations on John, or make my heart grow cold toward the real man who shares my life.
Heavenly Father, I want what You want for my life. Too many years I've lived life my way and it's never brought me anything but heartache - I want to live Your way now. Your ways are higher than my ways and Your ways are, ultimately, best. Are you telling me to stop these "other life-other relationship, day dreams"? Help me lay these aside and learn to sleep another way. Please help me invest into John and into our relationship. May I pray for him more rather than giving up and feeling like I'm just settling. Thank You for John and my marriage, help me to do everything I can to make it the best it can be. Dear God help me hear You as You show me ways to be a better wife, and give me Your power to change.
It's my fantasy life.
Frequently, when I can't get to sleep at night, or if I wake up and can't get back to sleep (both of which have been challenges of mine for years), I'll try to think, day dream, about something that entertains or delights me. In and of itself there is nothing wrong with this.
The problem is that over the past several months these "day dreams" have more often than not taken on a scenario where I'm a totally different person, in a completely different life, and there's some man in my life. This man always embodies all the qualities of the most desirable man possible (or actually impossible, since no one is perfect). I derive great enjoyment from this day dreamed relationship with this man and it is pleasing and I drift back to sleep. The problem is that this day dream relationship is more satisfying than my real one - of course - since neither myself or him are real and deal with real personal failings and life challenges. I don't want to let this blur my perception of reality and put unfair expectations on John, or make my heart grow cold toward the real man who shares my life.
Heavenly Father, I want what You want for my life. Too many years I've lived life my way and it's never brought me anything but heartache - I want to live Your way now. Your ways are higher than my ways and Your ways are, ultimately, best. Are you telling me to stop these "other life-other relationship, day dreams"? Help me lay these aside and learn to sleep another way. Please help me invest into John and into our relationship. May I pray for him more rather than giving up and feeling like I'm just settling. Thank You for John and my marriage, help me to do everything I can to make it the best it can be. Dear God help me hear You as You show me ways to be a better wife, and give me Your power to change.
Day 23 - Protecting the Relationship
The idea of this chapter was that my marriage is worth fighting for, worth protecting.
1 Corinthians 13:7 (NIV): [Love] always protects.
Jesus loves me, His follower. Throughout scripture He's pictured as a good shepherd. Good shepherds protect the sheep. Love is like that. A bad shepherd would be more concerned with obtaining food & comfort for himself instead of taking care of the sheep. A bad shepherd would be inattentive, and not pay attention, leaving the sheep vulnerable to predators.
It's easy in the day to day to become inattentive to my marriage.
The authors talked about various common threats to marriage. :
Harmful influences - Bad habits, over full schedules that keep you away too much to nourish the relationship
Unhealthy relationships - Friends who speak unwisely with regard to marriage, opposite sex relationships that could draw one emotionally away from one's partner.
Shame - Protect the "secrets" of one's beloved, don't hang out their dirty laundry, cover their shame.
Parasites - Anything that sucks the life out of the marriage, frequently addictions.
The challenge for today is to remove anything that is hindering my relationship; any addiction or influence that's stealing my affections and turning my heart away from my spouse.
Oh Heavenly Father, open my eyes to clearly see what things I'm doing, or relationships are in my life, that steal my affection from John and our relationship. Then please give me the power and ability to change. Thank You for loving me and giving me John. Thank You that You want us to have a healthy, strong marriage.
1 Corinthians 13:7 (NIV): [Love] always protects.
Jesus loves me, His follower. Throughout scripture He's pictured as a good shepherd. Good shepherds protect the sheep. Love is like that. A bad shepherd would be more concerned with obtaining food & comfort for himself instead of taking care of the sheep. A bad shepherd would be inattentive, and not pay attention, leaving the sheep vulnerable to predators.
It's easy in the day to day to become inattentive to my marriage.
The authors talked about various common threats to marriage. :
Harmful influences - Bad habits, over full schedules that keep you away too much to nourish the relationship
Unhealthy relationships - Friends who speak unwisely with regard to marriage, opposite sex relationships that could draw one emotionally away from one's partner.
Shame - Protect the "secrets" of one's beloved, don't hang out their dirty laundry, cover their shame.
Parasites - Anything that sucks the life out of the marriage, frequently addictions.
The challenge for today is to remove anything that is hindering my relationship; any addiction or influence that's stealing my affections and turning my heart away from my spouse.
Oh Heavenly Father, open my eyes to clearly see what things I'm doing, or relationships are in my life, that steal my affection from John and our relationship. Then please give me the power and ability to change. Thank You for loving me and giving me John. Thank You that You want us to have a healthy, strong marriage.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Day 22 - Committeed to Love
The authors related the story of Hosea who chose to love his wife even though she spurned his love and was not faithful. They compare this story to God's love for us and make this statement:
"You can give undeserved love to your spouse because God gave undeserved love to you - repeatedly, enduringly. Love is often expressed the most to those who deserve it the least. Ask Him to fill you with the kind of love only He can provide, then purpose to give it to your mate in a way that reflects your gratefulness to God for loving you."
Oh heavenly Father, I thank You for Your great love for me. I recognize that I do not deserve Your love. Help me Father, for I'm a petty woman. John annoys me so much sometimes, and I find it easier to just go about my own way rather than try for the connection for which I so long. Help me choose each day to love John simply because he is my husband. Oh Father, give me the love to love him with. Thank you Father.
"You can give undeserved love to your spouse because God gave undeserved love to you - repeatedly, enduringly. Love is often expressed the most to those who deserve it the least. Ask Him to fill you with the kind of love only He can provide, then purpose to give it to your mate in a way that reflects your gratefulness to God for loving you."
Oh heavenly Father, I thank You for Your great love for me. I recognize that I do not deserve Your love. Help me Father, for I'm a petty woman. John annoys me so much sometimes, and I find it easier to just go about my own way rather than try for the connection for which I so long. Help me choose each day to love John simply because he is my husband. Oh Father, give me the love to love him with. Thank you Father.
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